POROQ LABS — LONGMONT, CO
SYS.NOMINAL // ALL DIVISIONS REPORTING
POROQ LABS / EST. 2021

Applied Research
in Improbable
Sciences

We operate at the intersection of rigorous methodology and plausible impossibility. Our divisions span atmospheric remediation, predictive analytics, literary weaponization, and consumer metaphysics.
explore divisions

Active Divisions

4 programs // 2 operational, 2 in development
001
Consumer Metaphysics Division
Crystals, cloud busters, orgone accumulators, and other instruments of atmospheric and personal remediation. Every product backed by at least one citation we found on the internet.
crystals cloud busting orgone merch
operational
002
Predictive Athletics Laboratory
A fully simulated baseball universe with mirror teams, synthetic seasons, and probabilistic outcomes. Place predictions. Track standings. None of it is real, but the math checks out.
simulation predictions baseball synthetic data
in development
003
Literary Ordnance Program
Customized insults generated in Shakespearean English, formatted to parchment-grade PDF, and available for physical delivery via FedEx. Words as weapons, deployed with iambic precision.
nlp shakespeare pdf generation physical mail
in development
004
The Archive
Field notes, dispatches, and research memoranda from divisions across the organization. Updated irregularly. Accuracy not guaranteed but vibes immaculate.
blog dispatches fiction-adjacent
classified
Memo // Internal
"In a market saturated with honest products that don't work, we offer dishonest products that also don't work — but with better packaging."

poroq labs was founded on the principle that the line between science and theater has always been thinner than anyone admits. We don't sell solutions. We sell the feeling of having a solution, which — if you think about it — is what everyone else is selling too. We're just upfront about it.

— internal memo, author redacted, 2021

may you do good and not evil. may you find forgiveness for yourself and forgive others. may you share freely, never taking